Cyber Sex Addiction

Dear Couch,

Recently my husband has been visiting chat rooms quite frequently. It seems when I am gone he is always on the computer and when I am at home, he doesn't want me in the room. I recently walked in and he was chatting with someone and tried to hide it really fast. I know he visits the porn sites or whatever and I don't mind that but I feel that this chatting is out of control. I feel like it is cheating. Especially when it turns him on. I want to make sure that he is not doing the cyber sex thing before I confront him. Is there any way to keep track of what he is saying or should I just let him do it?


Dear Waiting in the Wings,

Our view of cyber sex is just like any other alternative form of sexual stimulus as long as the sexual relations between the couple don't suffer AND the cyber participants are simply inanimate sexual stimuli then no harm no foul. What we have found to be the greatest pitfall of cyber sex is the pseudo relationships that blossom. Too many people find it convenient to develop relationships with their online stimuli often because it allows them to live a fantasy or at worse as a means of escaping relationship problems they are unwilling to deal with. The anonymity allows chatters to present themselves as people they're not, but may have always wanted to be. The best reference we have found for online affairs is Caught in the Net by Kimberly S. Young.

Knowing what his chats are about and with whom is not too easy to discover, even if he is 'creepin' on you. We did find a company that states they will provide ' evidence of your spouse or loved one's adventures in chat rooms' SpouseTrap. We don't officially endorse this service and given the lack of info on their site, can't unofficially recommend them either. Your confrontation with your husband should not be focused on what he's doing online but that you are not happy with it taking away from your time with him. Let him know he can chat (hopefully nonsexually) all he wants to as long as your available time is not being infringed upon. You should also let him know at the time that any personal online affairs are viewed by you as cheating.

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