How Do We Have Sex Covered in Baby Oil Without the Mess??

Dear Couch,

I am currently in a relationship with a guy in which we've been trying new things. The problem is, I am pretty shy when it comes to sex -- so I have a hard time suggesting things, but so far I have been willing to try pretty much anything he comes up with. I think it would be fun to have sex covered in baby oil (or something similar), but I have a few questions about it. First of all, it would be messy and probably ruin the sheets, right? We could take them off, but then what about ruining the mattress? So do you have suggestions for keeping the mess to a minimum? Second, is Baby Oil petroleum based? If it is, what else could we use that wouldn't be a danger for condom breakage? And finally, this is the hardest one of all, how can I get HIM to suggest it, because, damn, if I'm not too prudish to do it myself?

Sincerely Wants to Slip and Slide

Dear Great Idea!,

Fortunately for you we have the patent on the Slip and Slide Technique®, but this is going to take a little planning on your part so there's no room for your British-like uptightness. Let's start with the slippery stuff. You're absolutely right that a petroleum based product like baby oil (or Vaseline) will bust a condom before the third pump! So go to the store and get yourself several industrial sized water based lubricant like K-Y but you can buy the cheaper generic with no worries. The best thing about this type of lubricant is if it gets sticky or dry a little water will bring it back to life. We suggest having a water mister on hand like your average spray bottle to bring back the slip if need be.

Now to the sheets. Yup. Great fantasy but ' what about my frigging mattress the next day!' Easily solved. You can thank all those bed-wetters out there for the existence of vinyl mattress covers. Think about that! Put one of those puppies on your bed and you're ready to slip and slide more than you could ever want. What's that you say? You're not only a prude but a cheapskate? No Problem, buy a few rolls of the cheapest Saran Wrap type stuff you can find and mummify your mattress. You should wrap it once lengthwise and then another time width wise. For clean-up simply take a pair of scissors and cut along the side of the mattress, ball it all up and recycle it!

That's all you need. As to getting your boyfriend to bring up the idea, give us a break! You're an individual in this relationship, ACT LIKE ONE! Your man will certainly appreciate this love scenario so don't be bashful. Just make sure you've allowed enough play time to make the effort worthwhile. If your boyfriend is expecting a quickie then all that prep time will be wasted. Arrange for a nice long slippery night of love making and our patented Slip and Slide® will be in your toy chest for a long time!

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