My Fianc?e Has Been Withholding Sex Because I Wasn't Truthful About a Past Relationship!!?

Dear Couch,

I'm about to marry an extremely attractive, funny, irreverent, athletic, hard-driving woman. Shortly after our engagement, she learned two bad things about me. One, my family is nosy and very Irish Catholic. Second, I was not totally truthful about a past relationship...I had tried to minimize it, when in fact I had seen the person more often than I'd first told her. The result? She loves me but I still don't think she's over the white lie. And our once white-hot sex life is down to a once a week writhe. Basically, an entire aspect of our relationship -- sex -- sucks. We rarely kiss passionately, and if we try talking about it, she says I'm pushy and I'll just have to accept what we have for now. She's been saying this for 7 months. Which was when my mom started nosing into our wedding plans, and when my fib sent her into a conniption fit of anger. She's very frank with me and doesn't really know if we'll ever have the intimacy we once had. But she insists she's trying, and once the wedding's over with, she claims, she may be able to feel normal again. What should I do? I've been a failure when it comes to laying back and not pushing the topic. I want to give her the time and space to heal. But I don't want to get married if the game is to ' punish' me forever by withholding affection and passion in bed.


Dear T,

We're with you on this one. Her comment that once the wedding is over she may feel 'normal again' is a scary one! Imagine a person getting married with the uncertainty they're sexual relationship is irreparable!! Check that wrinkled sack between your legs and we'll bet it's empty right now. First thing you do is tell your fianc?e the wedding is on hold until she agrees to attend relationship counseling in an attempt to resolve these issues. Then tell your family to stay out of your business, Irish Catholic or whatever. Remember, your wife is not engaged to your family. She is engaged to you. If people develop relationships with their significant other's family members then fine, but they shouldn't feel pressured to do so.

You're of course right in regards to the withholding sex issue. This is never a healthy way of dealing with conflict in a relationship. Problems should be dealt with quickly and directly. Putting it off only results in holding grudges and then blowing up over smaller things because you're holding in what you really want to confront or say. Withholding sex is a truly passive/aggressive behavior and your reluctance to go forth is a smart one. Try some relationship counseling but if she won't agree to it, move on to saner pastures.

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