I Feel Like My Partner Would Rather Masturbate to Internet Porn than Be Intimate With Me!?!

Dear Couch,

I have a small problem. My partner and I have been together for over a year. Right from the start he was never as keen for the sexual side to begin as most guys I had met. He's 29 and I'm 23 and I thought maybe that he was just more ' mature' . Time has gone on and I still have the higher sex drive than him. He never seems to really want it a lot. When we actually do have sex he is quite selfish and seems to want all the pleasure given but returning it doesn't seem a priority. I'm often left frustrated and upset at the lack of intimacy he has shown. The real problem though is that he looks at a lot of porn. We used to enjoy a bit of spanking but now, every day he looks at it on the net and masturbates. I feel like I'm being passed over. He is always on there when I'm not home. I feel it has cheapened the things we do and I feel hurt and left out. I hate not having an intimate sex life with him as I love him a lot but when I know he has been looking at porn (and I check) and we haven't had sex for ages I wonder why?

Please help. I feel this could ruin us. I have tried talking to him about it but his theory is that it is his fantasy world. But the fantasy is taking over the reality. I can't understand why he is so hell-bent on getting on that computer when he can't put the same determination into having sex with me.

Porn Widow

Dear PW,

For the record, it doesn't take any energy or determination for a man to masturbate. Plenty of men in relationships jerk off yet find the time to sexually satisfy their partners. This is because sex is not about personal satisfaction but rather about satisfying one's partner. As long as each person involved has this philosophy everyone comes away happy. Apparently your partner rarely if ever took on this philosophy.

You state your boyfriend never matched your sexual appetite but you feel his use of Internet porn is the ' real problem' . We don't think so. The problem is his approach to sex in the relationship and this is not the same as his approach to screwing his computer. Think about it! Would you want your partner to walk up to you, grab your mouse, click your bookmark named ' Spanking Bad Lesbos From Mars' , click...click...click.., yank...yank...yank.., wipe the spooge off your screen, and then start doing his online banking? No! This is a completely different thing than the ' ...intimate sex life...' you want with him. The approach you should take is to first stop nagging him about whacking off. That's not the loving you want so let him have it.

The goal here is to introduce him to the type of sexual intimacy you want which he doesn't get from the Internet. We're pretty sure he must feel for you in some ways and is not avoiding your needs because he doesn't care. It's more likely he isn't very confident in his love making prowess. You have to take charge when he is in the mood for something better than .JPEG's. One sure fire way to guarantee mutual pleasure during a love-fest is a little sixty-nine. You'll get the extra oral attention you're looking for and he'll learn to enjoy prolonged sexual pleasure instead of the get off as soon as possible routine he's used to.

You should also try and ' schedule' sex (yes it's not spontaneous but it helps, a lot) so both of you aren't thinking about things you have to get done resulting in a getting sex out of the way mentality. Another way to guarantee an anxiety free sex bout is, and forgive us for being this cliched, the weekend getaway. It doesn't have to be a frilly, doily laden Martha Stewart Bed and Breakfast. Go to Vegas for a weekend if you want. The point is to remove yourselves from everyday distractions and routine. We know, we know. Guys frown and grimace at the sheer mention of a weekend getaway but trust us. At the end of the weekend they're relaxed from the pressure free sex and being removed from their usual routine. Try the book Great Sex Weekends to get started, just don't pounce on him and cram it down his throat. You've gone a year+ without developing a mutually satisfying sex life so don't expect this to change over night. It's going to take some work on both your parts and a LOT of communication.

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