My Girlfriend Hates to Sleep in the Wet Spot Even After It's Dry! Are There Dead Sperm Cells in My Mattress?

Dear Couch,

We were wondering if seminal fluid evaporates? Because my friend Debbie hates to sleep in the ' Love Swamp' even after it had dried. Where do all the little sperms go? Are there dead sperm cells in my mattress?


Dear Crusty Sheets,

Of course there are millions of desiccated sperm cells in your sheets and mattress! What?! Are you Catholic and think they bodily ascend into a heaven?!? They're not alone though. Their corpses are cushioned by the millions of skin cells you shed all the time. But don't worry. There's a nano-army working hard as you sleep to clean your sheets for you. Dermatophagoides, better known as Dust Mites, are your own little furniture maids you don't even have to pay! These cute little buggers roam about your pillows and sheets quietly munching on your discarded skin flakes, pooping, and humping but not necessarily in that order. They even have the decency to dine on your unwanted clumps of dried love stains. So thank these little wonders for doing their damnedest to clean up the trillions of cells you leave about without regard! Scientists refer to them as scavengers but we like to think of them as the garbage collectors of the microscopic world. In fact. We'll bet, if you take a magnifying glass and peer closely around your passion stains for long enough, you may see one of those signs, ' This Stretch of Crusty Boy's mattress cleaned by the Dust Mite Lion's Club' .

As to your girlfriend's fear of sleeping in ' the spot' even after it's dried, she must have played with Sea Monkeys (if you forgot them, try them again) too much as a child. Are sperm strong, committed, swimmers with no other purpose than to struggle through the tide in a single focus of reaching that egg!?!? Yes! Are they smart? No! They just wiggle and swim. Swim and squirm. Their life expectancy on your sheets is at best three to four hours. Once they're dead they're dead. You can tell your girlfriend that unlike Sea Monkeys, dead dried sperm will not awaken like the Night of the Living Dead from her nocturnal emissions and march stiffly towards her ovum. They're dead! Most of them are being munched on by our little mite friends, some of whom probably have sperm cells that thought they found the egg, hanging out their butts. Just keep a towel handy and remember, every time you scratch your ass in bed, say ' You're welcome.' to your little dust mite bed mates.

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