I've been Faking Orgasm From the Beginning and Now I Miss It !!
I am in the most wonderful relationship of my life with a warm, caring, generous man. The sex has never been better. If it gets any better it will probably kill us both - except for one thing. I have never reached orgasm. Not with him or anyone else. I know I can because solo orgasms are not a problem. I know this must be psychological, but here's the prob. He doesn't know. I told him before we ever had sex that I had problems in the past and he was prepared to do whatever was necessary for however long to make it happen for me. But I chickened out and pretended I had one. After years of practice I'm apparently very good at faking. I always look forward to sex with him and don't feel deprived really, but it bothers me of course. I can't tell him now that I've been faking for 4 months. I'm hoping there is some way I can work this out myself since the problem is most definitely within me. I'm a single mother raising 3 children so paying for a sex therapist is out of the question. Can you give me any suggestions? Self-help books, web sites? I am afraid that, even though it doesn't seem to affect how I feel about him now, in time I may begin to feel resentful & less close to him. We communicate so well on every level, I really hate that I wasn't up front with him from the start. But, what do I do now?!
Dear Shouldn't Have Done It,
Well there Ya go. The exact reason we advise against faking orgasm. Now you're stuck doing it. Sure, once in a while, if you're just not going to get there but normally do, a thespian performance now and then is ok if you feel your lover really needs that. If this is a frequently occurring problem we think it would be better to turn the attention to your partner's satisfaction at this point, making it clear in some way that it's ok for him/her to enjoy and let loose. There are two things you have to do here wean your lover off the every encounter means a big O for you and also help yourself to have orgasms with him.
Weaning your boyfriend off of expecting you to orgasm every time you make love is the first step. Weaning means cutting down but not stopping. After a couple of non-orgasm occasions your boyfriend will most likely become concerned. Give a stress excuse or whatever but throw in a performance here and there to keep him from writing us a letter whining about his girlfriend's new lack of O. The object is to get him used to the idea that his past sexual techniques aren't quite up to the task now. Hopefully he'll pick up the slack a bit and try new things and/or focus on you a little more, as he has already stated he is willing to do.
Which leads us to your part. You state you're capable of having the big one through masturbation but not with partners. Yes this is somewhat psychological but is also because you, of course, push your own buttons better than anyone else could. You need to train your boyfriend to be able to do the same things. We're betting the best way to self satisfaction you've found is clitoral manipulation. Why not add this to your coital activities (that's penis in vagina people) with your Bo? Try one of these positions for easy access to your love button. Position one is you on your back and your lover between your legs kneeling/sitting inserted in you, with his torso erect. This allows him (or you or both) to easily stimulate your love button while still thrusting inside you. The other position has you on your back again but with him at your side, entering you from underneath your leg. This position also allows him and/or you easy access to clitoral stimulation. The point of these positions is for you to enjoy vaginal penetration with the award winning clitoral stimulation, simultaneously. For a helpful read, try Five Minutes to Orgasm Every Time You Make Love: For Women Only. We know that many women, psychologically or otherwise, separate these two erogenous zones and thus one distracts from the other. If this is the case for you, just lay him down on his back and straddle that face and once your done covering his face with your satisfaction, take him in and continue without the need for faking anything!