Is It Safe For My Lover to Go Down On Me While Using a Vaginal Spermicide?!

Dear Couch,

I am unable to take birth control pills or other hormonal birth control methods. I would like to try the contraceptive vaginal suppositories as a back up for condoms. My question, once I've inserted a suppository is it still safe for my lover to go down on me? The instructions on the package do not address that question specifically. I don't know if the ' stuff' stays up around my cervix or what...any advice? Thanks!


Dear Bitter But Not Deadly,

We can hear the laughter at the poison control center now, ' You say your boyfriend was performing cunnilingus on you and thinks he may have ingested some spermicide? Excuse me a moment... Bwah Hah Hah!!!' You can pretty much rest assured that if there isn't a warning label on the thing then it isn't harmful. Look at the fact that a little packet of chemical looking stuff in a box of new shoes carries the warning ' Do not eat.' The company assumes the thickest morons in the world are going to buy their product and think, ' Hey! Look at that! There's a sample of new candy in my shoe box!' and eat the crap. Well you can bet some bright young R& D scientist at your spermicide company came to the realization that people using their products might be engaging in some oral copulation. It's not going to taste good but it won't hurt your boy-toy.

However! We will relate one dormitory story passed on every year. Is it just an urban legend the older guys tell to scare and confuse the younger ones or is it true, leaving some poor sap as an example to the world? You decide.

The story takes place in a college dorm room (of course the college changes with where the tale is being spun) with a young couple about to engage in their first bout of condom-less sex. They have chosen a spermicide suppository, after of course getting their STD tests. After many minutes of foreplay the girl goes to the bathroom to insert the spermicide, a chalky suppository, which requires 10-15 minutes to dissolve. They continue their foreplay activities becoming so aroused they begin making love before ten minutes has passed. According to the story, no more than three thrusts had occurred when the young man suddenly froze with an expression somewhere between pleasure, confusion, and pain. He stayed that way for a few seconds then leapt from the bed, clutching his penis, and burst out into the hallway.

The screams of pain built quickly from a low groan of discomfort to a hair raising wail as he sprinted, still clutching his penis, to the floor restroom. Heads poking out of rooms to see what was going on caught only the blurry image of a naked ass turning the corner. When he got to the bathroom he finally looked at the source of his pain and saw white fizziness oozing out of his cock. He struggled to get it under the faucet, eventually half climbing on the counter and it is said that although the immediate pain subsided after an hour or so, the young man couldn't urinate without intense pain for three days. Apparently, having not waited for the suppository to completely dissolve resulted in a small chunk of the thing getting crammed into his urethra where it continued to dissolve. OUCH!

We don't know if this story is true or not and we're not going to try and replicate it. We have however used spermicides without any problems (following the directions). This includes cunnilingus without pain or calls to the poison control center but here's the link to the National Capital Poison Center just in case.

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