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My Gay Boyfriend Hasn't Come
the Three Times We've Been Together?!
Dear Couch,
10/2/1999 
I'm a 19 year old gay male dating a 24 year old guy from my college for about a month. We've decided to forgo full blown sex until we're more serious in our relationship, but in the meantime we've still been fooling around. The problem is that he never comes. He gets close, from his description, and it isn't a problem with technique (believe me). He just says that sometimes it doesn't happen, and apparently the three times we've tried have fallen into that category. The problem is that, despite his " apologies" , it makes me feel bad, like I'm somehow not doing something right. And I've not been letting him take me to completion, because I feel selfish just letting loose alone. I want it to be something we do together. This is really frustrating for us, since I'm left with blue balls and feeling inadequate, and I think he feels embarrassed about it. It's starting to affect how I feel about him, not that I find him less attractive, but fooling around has almost become a chore. I don't know what to do to fix this. unsigned
Dear
Swollen,
Well the last thing you want to do is put any more pressure on this guy than he's already feeling. We're going to dispense with any physical reasons for his ejaculatory problem for the moment and concentrate on the more likely emotional issues. You don't mention what level of " out" either one of you are at. Let us just say quickly that if there are issues with this for either one of you, it may be a cause of his missile not firing. Secondary to this, we can only say he's anxious about his performance. It's a very common temporary condition for males (straight or gay) to have what is commonly known as performance anxiety. Essentially this means your man-toy is so worried about either not coming or coming too quickly that he's not coming at all. All we can suggest is to get a few glasses of wine down his throat and turn the attention away from his ejaculation and on yours. Maybe he's feeling the same as you and wants you to come first, for whatever reason, so just blow your wad and if after a few sessions like this, he's still not coming, it's time to get serious. First you should ask your boyfriend if he can ejaculate during masturbation. If he can then your stuck with a psychological problem and perhaps you wish to end this affair now instead of going to a a sex therapist with your man. Otherwise you're guy needs to see a urologist to find out what the problem is. Whatever the it is you've got to face the fact that your toy is slightly broken. You can toss him out like a Furby stuck in a loop or dig into his programming and try to fix him. You don't sound like your life will be over without him and maybe a little dumping will be the red flag he needs to address this problem on his own. For you or others out there dealing with college and being gay we encourage you to seek out your campus counseling services. Fact is, most colleges have free counseling in a variety of areas and you should take advantage of it now as you'll never find free counseling after graduation when you're corporate automatons. 
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