I'm Gay and Don't Want to Be! How Can I Lead a Normal Happy Married Life?!?

Dear Couch,

I am gay and I don't wont to be like this. Is it possible to get rid of this quality. How can I lead a happy married life?

Thanking you,

Dear Future Springer Guest,

So you like the boys but you want a ' happy married life' huh? And we'll assume you want your spouse to be similar to Martha fawking Stuart with the white picket fence and the wholesome suburban home with the mini van in the garage too?!? Well wake up Johnny Boy cause you're DIFFERENT! But we're not going to sell you the usual politically correct tripe that you should embrace who you are and be happy. Nope! We're going to direct you to exactly what you want, in all it's Clockwork Orange horror! We're going to direct you to the most horrible sources we can find to make your dreams come true.

Of course, the first stop on your journey will be a group of self denying individuals like yourself Homosexuals Anonymous! This resource, like most of the conversion therapy resources we're providing for you, is deeply steeped in fundamentalist Christianity, so get used to it. Part of your journey to heterosexuality will be accepting these Fourteen Steps of Homosexuals Anonymous which include #4, ' We came to believe that God had already broken the power of homosexuality and that He could therefore restore our true personhood' . So you see, you're true personhood just needs a little coaxing to come out.

That's where SCT or Shock Conversion Therapy comes in. Yes! This is the heart of turning your nasty homoerotic fantasies into Baywatch reruns! Basically, the process starts with a non-descript minivan plucking you off the streets and taking you to a quiet motel off the beaten path. Next you're strapped to a chair and a ring is placed round your penis and a video begins before your eyes. The video presents you with alternating hetero- and homo-erotic scenes. The ring measures any increases in penile girth to the ' bad homo-erotic material' and delivers a shock to help you dissuade yourself from your bane!

After repeated sessions of this you are on your way to heterosexuality! Your newly found Fourteen Steps heterosexual friends will bring you along on their next mixer with the Over Eaters Anonymous group so you can put that newly found heterosexuality to work. Soon you'll have that happy married life, two kids, and a plethora of closeted men like yourself to have secret liaisons with in your suburban basement recreation room during the NFL playoffs! The most evil group we can direct you to is NARTH, the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. For further assistance in driving those evil homosexual demons from your soul try the book, The Battle for Normality: A Guide for Self-Therapy for Homosexuality. There Ya go! Enjoy your trip because if there ever was a road to hell, we just gave it to you.

Update: Well, looks like the president of the National Association of Evangelicals, Ted Haggard, had a little run-in with gay prostitutes himself, but he 'prayed out the gay' so maybe you can too. (sigh)

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