My Wife Is So Fat I Need a Way To Stifle My Sexual Desires?!

Dear Couch,

My wife and I haven't had sex in more than three years, but that's not the problem. The problem is that I still have a strong sex drive and those every-six-minutes sexual thoughts, but my wife has become the functional equivalent of a bucket of water on my " fire."

She's at least a hundred pounds overweight: 250+ pounds on a 5'7" frame. Some was gained during childbirth, but most of it accumulated over 17 years of marriage. There was a time when we fought over this and she insisted she would lose the weight " when she was ready." It is now apparent to me that she will never be ready, so I must accept her as-is. I can do this because we have two great kids -- both daughters -- and I am under no illusion about who would get them if we broke up.

Nevertheless, I think she's gross and, no matter how horny I am, the urge dies when I look at her. My question: Is there any safe, effective way to kill a sex drive? With no way to act on it, I would be glad to never have a sexual thought again. Drugs? Surgery? Anything?


Dear Seriously Unhappy,

We can point you to a means of destroying your sex drive but first we gotta preach to you about your situation. You claim your wife has stated she will lose weight but never does. Before anything else, we want you to talk to your wife, in a supporting manner, about her losing weight. Most importantly, we want you to involve yourself in any weight loss activity, diet/exercise, you two decide on. If she responds positively to this then you have to reward her in kind with, a little romance, a little cuddling, and a little sexual self image reinforcement. Your image of her is basically equal to her image of herself and any step in a healthy weight loss direction should be met by positive strokes by you. Whether they be verbal, physical, or orgasmic.

If things stay the way you describe them, then get out. We hear it all the time. People staying in miserable relationships because of the children. Trust us. The children would much rather grow up with the weekend parent scene than in a household with two people that can't stand each other. You owe it to yourselves and them to end a dysfunctional marriage and raise them in happy, albeit separate households. We cannot emphasize this enough! What you think is best for the kids and bad for you is best for neither of you.

If you still insist on staying in a miserable relationship and want your libido knocked in the dirt then we suggest monthly Depo-Provera injections. This is also known as chemical castration, a hotly debated treatment/probationary requirement of sexual offenders. Depo, as it is affectionately known, is a highly affective and convenient birth control method for many woman. In men, it has the quality of knocking their libido in the dirt, which we think is what you're looking for here. You won't even be able to jerk off!! But before you storm into your doctor's office demanding Depo injections, we suggest you consider the other options we listed for you.

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