My Partner States He Doesn't Think About Me When He Masturbates! My Self Esteem is In the Dumper??!

Dear Couch,

Ok, this has been a problem for me for a really really long time and I kid you not that it has been the source of many arguments between my boyfriend and I. I suspect I am the one screwed up here and not him, but please help me out. I am 36 he is 27 so I think I come from insecure place about all this anyway. He has confided in me that he never thinks about me during " quality time" with himself-masturbating. He thinks of women he has been with in the past that were very slutty. He also tells me that he feels as if it is disrespectful to think of me. I want to believe him, but instead my insecure brain goes straight to " I am not sexy enough for him" and that he really doesn't love me. Please let me know your opinion. I would really love to hear from you.


Dear Jerk-Off Fantasy Girl,

We've said it before and you say it yourself. A person's masturbation or " quality time" as you put it, is their personal business. Even in a long term marriage, partners need to respect that boundary. There are times of course when one's partner's self pleasuring activities infringe upon the other. If your boyfriend was ignoring your physical needs  while he jerked off to images of gang-banging crack whores in his little noggin, then we would say you had a gripe. But you state your problem is he respects you too much to visualize you in that gang-bang. Come on! Appreciate this! There are plenty of masturbation fantasies that people have, they would never entertain in real life much less with the person they care about.

Even women have masturbation fantasies they keep just fantasy. The feminist author Nancy Friday has written two books devoted to the prurient interests of women she interviewed My Secret Garden: Women's Sexual Fantasies and Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women's Sexual Fantasies. Some of these involved sex with multiple partners and/or forced sex. The point of Friday's writings is not to suggest women want to be raped or gang-banged but rather that women, like men, indulge in the darkest of imagined sex during the safety of " quality time" . Think about the movies or novels you've found excitement in. Some you would happily live out, but we're sure you've had an adrenalin rush from many scenarios you would never want to live out. That's fantasy and imagination and for some reason our species thrives on it. So don't make your self esteem dependent on your partner's masturbatory fantasy.

If it's so important for your man to be able to jerk-off thinking of you, then ask him. Without pressure, or nagging, suggest a circle jerk. OK, this is not the exact definition of a circle jerk but it's a great way to revisit each other sexually. It is simply getting naked, getting the lube of your choice, and watching each other self pleasure. NO TOUCHING EACH OTHER, is the number one rule. This works best if the women lies down on a bed with the man standing beside it. NO TOUCHING! The self pleasuring begins but instead of fantasizing in your head, you pay attention to your partner's self response to touching themselves. The moaning, the groaning, the twitches, and the way they touch themselves. Trust us. There's no better bonding experience than to look into each others eyes while you do this. Enjoy!

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