I Keep Fantasizing About Other People When I'm Making Love to My Husband!?!

Dear Couch,

Why do I constantly find myself fantasizing when my husband makes love to me. I love him dearly and I enjoy sex with him but almost every time we have sex just as I start to feel turned on I start fantasizing about other men. It may be some guy from the grocery store or even one of my students. I teach high school and I find more and more some of my students come into my fantasy, not only the males but females as well. What is wrong? What is inside me causing all these reactions.


Dear Mary Kay,

Fantasizing during sex is perfectly normal and healthy, unless, you need these 'other people' fantasies to prepare for sex with your hubby or to consistently bring yourself to orgasm. Most couples involve fantasy in their sex play on a fairly healthy regular basis as evidenced by the occasional role playing and/or mild bondage. So it can be safely said that this is part of a healthy  relationship. It's a difficult thing to determine where healthy fantasy becomes unhealthy but we'll try and create some guidelines for you.

Ask yourself if you are unable to engage in or get turned on by sex with your hubby without fantasizing about your grocer clerk? If this is the case, good! Ask yourself if you're able to orgasm while looking into your hubby's eyes without any thoughts of Mary Kay Letourneau humping her little student? Still an affirmative? If yes, then we think your relationship is basically in a healthy place but the fact that you feel there's an increasing problem means something is going on. You may simply be getting hornier as you get older. This is the pattern for most women and you may be thinking about sex more often in situations where you normally would not. Then these thoughts pop into your head during the act with your husband. Yes! We know that's full of enough psycho-babble to get us a chair on The View but we'll leave it.

The best advice we can give you is to indulge this fantasy part of yourself during a little 'alone quality time'. However! We don't suggest you use this list of real life characters for your personal imagination jukebox. This will only lead to conflicting emotions when you deal with these people in real life. You should find a nice, impersonal, source of sexual fantasy material. For a nice thick book of women's masturbatory material try Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women's Sexual Fantasies and/or Forbidden Flowers: More Women's Sexual Fantasies both by Nancy Friday. A woman devoted to the sexual satisfaction of women like yourself. If you find your dependency on fantasy during sex with your husband continuing to be a problem, you're just going to have to swallow the embarrassment and see a sexual therapist. It may be uncomfortable and a bit expensive but it will save you a lot of frustration.

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