I'm a Stupid Paranoid Hippie! Are There Any Spontaneous Non-Hormonal Forms of Birth Control?!!

Dear Couch,

I recently found out that I cannot eat any products containing hormones. While this means I cannot eat meat or dairy anymore, it also means I have to give up my orth-cyclen (which has been making me very ill).

My boyfriend and I use condoms and spermicide, but I'd like something a little more reliable. I've considered Fertility Awareness Method but I feel like I'm only getting biased sources on this and would like you're very unbiased input. I've also considered using a diaphragm but since we are VERY spontaneous, a condom is usually all we can muster up. Are there any non-hormonal forms of BC? Any suggestions or input would be appreciated.


Dear Hormon-o-phobe,

Well, you're not going to get an unbiased opinion out of us regarding the Fertility Awareness Method, otherwise known as the ' Whoops! I'm Pregnant Again' form of birth control. One of us grew up Catholic, and worked in the Counseling Center as an office assistant during high school. You can't imagine how many women went there for fertility awareness training since it is the only form of birth control allowed by Catholicism, only to return months later for unwanted pregnancy counseling. Cripes! What a racket they've got going!

You say you ' ...recently found out...' you can't eat hormones. What the hell Euro-Naturopath, Franken-Food Boogieman told you this?!! And what are you going to do about all those hormones that normally exist within that bag of chemicals your body. Gawd! Nothing bores us more than whining hippies claiming they can't do this, or they're sensitive to that. It's always something with you damn hippies ain't it!??! Well enough whining already! Genetically altered, hormonally enhanced, animals and plants are good for you!

There are several non-hormonal birth control methods and you mentioned all but one: the Intra-Uterine device or IUD. The IUD got a bad rep twenty years ago due to a faulty design in which the string allowed infection to creep into the uterus. The new IUD design is safe, effective, and increasing rapidly in popularity. However, the current attitude of the medical community is that only monogamous ladies be allowed to have an IUD. Since, in their opinion, you'll run around like a slut getting all kinds of STDs as you would not have to use condoms to avoid pregnancy. So just lie and say you're engaged or something. It's none of their damn business if you want to be a trollop, as long as you avoid your dreaded hormones, and that unwanted pregnancy. But of course we must remind you that if you may possibly engage in intercourse with an unknown risk partner, use the latex.

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