I'm a Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse and I Want to Swallow My Boyfriend's Come, Damn IT!
I am a 21 year old female and have been in a monogamous relationship with my 22 year old boyfriend for the past four years. I am also a survivor of child sexual abuse. This was a major problem at for us at first, especially in the realm of our sexuality.. But with love, patience, and passion we have developed a healthy and strong sexual life together. I only have one problem - I can't stand to swallow his cum during oral sex. Not that he insists I do. He says that it would turn him on if I did but that he understands if and why I don't. I want to make him happy in every possible way but for me this brings back a million bad memories and sometimes can cause flashbacks or crying spells. I am good at performing oral sex but it is problematic for me. Right now we use oral sex until he is about to cum and I finish him off with my hands. Which he seems to enjoy but if I could make it better for him, I would love to.
I guess what I'm asking is this - what can I do to move beyond this hang-up? My wonderful boyfriend isn't asking this of me but I need to be able to go on - I don't want to let what happened to me in the past dictate the way I live my life now and the ways I am able to express myself sexually. It would be just one more way for me to be punished for the sins of my abuser. I hope I made this clear, its kind of difficult to get it out. Thanks for your time and help.
Dear Choked Up,
First, let us say sorry for your sexual abuse but you can't change the past. Which seems to be your healthy attitude as well so no need to mention it again.
You're problem is you don't want to swallow cum during fellatio. Well welcome to the club! Contrary to most porno fantasies, there are very few women who desire or even have the ability to consume a man's ejaculate during oral sex. Personally, we feel your current approach of finishing your man's orgasm with your hand is perfectly normal. But if you really want to work on this skill...
...On your own, you can practice with, what else but a turkey baster. Yup! If you want to create that forceful liquid explosion that is ejaculation, nothing beats it (as exemplified by all those pregnant lesbians)!  But really, if you need to get used to a bunch of liquid hitting the back of your throat, practice with that gizmo. If the ejaculation part of fellatio is what triggers your negative memories, something like this may help you diminish that effect.
Your next approach is to practice on your guy. You already state you pull off at orgasm and finish with your hand. No problem. Make that your baseline and work up from there, taking what you can. Of course, your guy should not be expecting anything more than the 'hand-finish' thus anything you do beyond that is icing on his cake, so to speak. So when you're planning on practicing your fellatio skills, let him know you're going to test your limits but to be prepared for the quick mouth removal and hand-finish. We're sure he'll not only understand but also appreciate your efforts. We can also recommend the book, Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man, for anything we may have missed here.