My Boyfriend Was Out All Night & Lied About It!



Dear Couch,

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 7 months and have been living with him for 4 months. I love him very much, but there is one thing that is aching, my heart and I can't seem to get over it. About a month ago, he came to the hotel I work in for a few drinks as it was Friday night. When I finished work a few hours later, I joined him for a drink! As I was working early the next morning, I said I was going home (we live just seconds from the hotel) and as he had half a drink left, he said he would follow me up in 10/15 minutes. 4 hours later he had not appeared. I rang him and he told me ' I'll be there in a few minutes', still no sign of him. As you can imagine I was worried sick. Then he put his phone on silent and I could not get through to him, and he did not answer my texts. I rang the hotel twice to ask the night Porter was he there and he said he left at about 1 / 1.30am. I was in tears at this stage! Eventually when he did come home, I challanged him! He was a little drunk and promised me he was just talking to lads outside the hotel. I can see the outside of the hotel from my house, and knew he wasn't there. Put he promised he was. I couldn't say anything as I was so tired and had to work in a few hours.

When I went to work the next morning, I was sick in my stomach. A couple of hours later one of the bar girls came in and I plucked up the courage to ask her what time my boyfriend left at. She said he was in a corner talking to the girl & man in the band, and went outside with the girl to have a cigarette. Then he got into her car and drove up to our apartment. The bar girl said they were talking in the car when she passed. I nearly collasped in my chair! Why did he lie to me?

You can believe the mood I was in when I went home. I didn't talk to him for about 30 mins so I could talk to him without crying. I asked him why he lied and he said he didn't. Then I informed him of what I was told, and he looked so guilty! He said he didn't tell me because he wanted to spare my feelings and knew I would be hurt and take it up the wrong way! I said I would have preferred to hear it from him than my workmates. After a lot of crying (me) I calmed down and believed that he did not do anything.

He then said he went into the apartment down stairs (we live upstairs) as the door was open! Two girls live there! He said he went in to see what it looked like. I then recall hearing 'noises' from downstairs the night before, and I asked him straight out if he was 'with' one or both of the girls, he laughed and said that he would never hurt me, and loved me so much! I said why did you go in, you should have been rushing home to see me.. he said it was only for a second. We eventually made up, and he swore he would never stay out late without me again, or without letting me know in advance. I can't stop thinking about this, and everytime we go out now, and if after a good few drinks, I see him talking to a strange girl, I get hurt and think he is going to kiss them or sonething. I know he won't but I feel sick when I think like this, and especially the thoughts of him with another girl. I do trust him but I cant help thinking about the above senario! What can I do to get over it?

Signed,
edel


Dear Edel,

Trust is one of those tricky things that you do not realize you had, until you don't. It sounds like you have lost some trust, or perhaps have had trouble building it to begin with.

This situation has affected you deeply, and it raises questions - why you immediately became so fearful the first night when he was late coming home? I am wondering if it is how you have reacted in the past (with your current boyfriend or others) or because you sense that he is in a different place in the relationship than you are. Often in relationships, when one person pulls away, the instinct of the other is to hold on tighter. You say that you don't think he would cheat on you but then you ask him to promise never to be out late without you. It sounds as if you are afraid of losing him, and while I cannot tell you whether you will, I can say that you will not keep him by restricting him. Because just as it is human nature to want to hold on too tight, it is also human nature to resist being smothered.

You asked what you can do to 'get over it'. It is time for you to look very carefully at what you want in the relationship and what it is right now. Are they one in the same? If not, what do you need in a relationship that you are not getting? Is it something that is his to give? Then comes the hard part: when you are ready (and sober) talk to your boyfriend about those issues, and finding out where he stands.

It can be so scary to ask questions in which you may not like the answers, but it is time. You have been torturing yourself by not knowing long enough.

juliet





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