I've Always Had Some BD/SM Element To My Love Making in Past Relationships but My Current Boyfriend is Vanilla Sex All the Way?!?!

Dear Couch,

I am an 18 year old female who has just recently ended a year long relationship. My ex boyfriend and me were both into heavy bondage and sadomasochism (I was usually the submissive). Clean vanilla sex with no kinky stuff at all just doesn't satisfy me. No matter how good it is I can't have an orgasm without some bdsm element present. I am now seeing a wonderful guy whom I care for very much, but he just isn't interested in the bondage I'm into. I have never been orgasmic with him and this is a big problem for me, because I don't want to leave him. My ex who remains my best friend says he cant understand why any guy would refuse to have a girl do anything he wants and generally be her lord and master in the bedroom. I brought up the idea of me being the dominant, but my boyfriend wasn't into it either. What can I do in my sex life that isn't going to scare my boyfriend but at the same time let me enjoy myself? I admit that me and my ex have been considering having a little rendezvous just to spice up my sex life, but I really don't want to have to cheat unless I absolutely must.

Thank you for your time,
Frustrated Bondage Girl

Dear FBG,

Why is it, whenever we get a letter about cheating, it's always mentioned in the context of ' I had to' , and ' I was left with no other choice' ? No one's holding a gun to your heads to boink your neighbor's, best friend's, stepmother's aunt!! That off our chests, let's get you coming.

Let's call your 'vanilla sex' boy, Bobby. That seems appropriate, eh? So you care for white bread Bobby but his missionary sex isn't turning your crank. You've mentioned your desire to be bound and spanked, teased and flogged, and he's not going for it. What a classic romantic tragedy!! What can you do? The way we see it, you can either lead Bobby slowly down that dark, yet exciting, road to bondage and S& M. Or, you can discover satisfying sex between those white bread sheets of missionary sex.

First things first. Bobby's world needs a little spice so let's try and turn him to the dark side a bit. If Bobby cares about your sexual gratification, then he should be willing to do things that turn you on. You like being bound and teased and pseudo victimized. That's not such a strange thing. Prolonged teasing is quite normal even in white bread sex. Try the teasing avenue and bind yourself mentally. Hopefully Bobby will catch on. If that doesn't fly, try a little bondage. Ask, or strongly sexually imply that you like it when he holds your hands down above your head, something, anything, in the direction of bondage would be a start. Some light bondage novelties such as this Pleasure Tape, which sticks to itself but not your skin or hair is a popular item. If Vanilla-Bobby doesn't run screaming like a little girl from that little bondage toy, you may want to get this Under The Bed Restraint System which will provide more restraint for you and convience for him as it's always there under the bed ready to go. And it wouldn't hurt to, pick up a copy of SM 101 A Realistic Introduction for him. After reading this he may understand your affinity towards bondage.

If he's just not going for it, then it's your time to turn towards the white bread side. His gratification from Bobby white bread sex is no more odd than your need for twisted sex. Maybe it's time you threw away your crutch of fetishism. Try that standard means of orgasm. Actually, if you can't come from basic sexual activity, minus the BD/SM stuff, then you have a fetish in the clinical sense, which is a sexual limitation. Time to practice the basics for a while. It can only make you a better lover.

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