My Boyfriend Never Wants to Have Intercourse but Wants to Have Oral Sex Instead??

Dear Couch,

Firstly I'd like to tell you how great your column is. I happened to find it by chance and it was the best site I could have stumbled upon. My question is regarding my current boyfriend of 5 months who is in his late twenties and the fact that he never wants to have intercourse. He's content with just having oral sex and although he is super affectionate and we get totally turned on with one another he never instigates intercourse. The first time we had intercourse he was really quick and the few times after that it's been the same. I finally discussed this with him in a supportive way because I am really frustrated and he claims that he doesn't pursue penetration because of fear of performance and high expectations he poses on himself to please me. He said he didn't think it was a problem from my end of things.

When I proposed that he maybe talk to a professional he said that's not necessary because he could change that in a second. He also said it's never happened before with other girls which makes me even more suspicious. I've asked him if it's a matter of not enjoying entering me but he assures me it isn't so. At times I think maybe he's just being selfish because he's made reference in the past to the fact that he prefers head over penetration. When I bring that up now he says what he meant was that the orgasm is better from head. I'm really confused and even starting to think weird things like could he be a closet case. I like him so much and want to allow my self to fall in love with him but this sexual thing is really getting in the way. Am I being superficial?

Totally confused

Dear Stickless,

It could very well be that he is afraid he'll continue to come too quickly through intercourse and that will result in him being embarrassed and feeling like he can't please you. These unpleasant feelings can all be avoided however, by allowing you to continue to suck his dick. Please stop. You're enabling him (Yea! We got to use a psycho-babble term!!) to not deal with his problem, premature ejaculation. Which is a fairly common problem for men in Western culture.

When you think about it though, the monkey that comes the quickest guarantees their deposit in the evolutionary race. So the 'problem' of premature ejaculation may be closer to our nature than opposed to it. We've evolved a little bit past monkeys so we can learn to control this. There are two accepted methods, one being the stop-start technique and the other the 'squeeze' technique. However, first you need to do a little sensate focus.

The purpose of sensate focus is to get in touch with your sexual response in a slowed down manner. Check the link for complete details but the basic method is to devote time to erotic sessions that increase in their approach to sexual contact and finally penetration. The benefit being prolonged sexual excitement without ejaculation. This really should be done in addition to regular sexual encounters, not as a substitute.

Two exercises you can include in your sexual activities are the 'squeeze' and stop-start techniques. With the 'squeeze' technique your male partner alerts when he feels he is close to ejaculation and you gently but firmly squeeze his penis in a grip manner, just below the head of his penis until he feels the ejaculation subsiding. The stop-start technique involves stopping intercourse when your male partner feels ejaculation pending and continuing when he feels he's regained control. Of course you don't do this all night, generally just a few times and then continue until orgasm.

The most important point we can make about premature ejaculation is that the male must remind himself that his partner is not going to jump up and run away like a monkey that spies a piece of fruit. This brings us to a question we often get as to whether or not masturbation causes premature ejaculate. Yes and no. When most guys jerk off, they're goal is to get aroused quickly and shoot the load. This can create a habit of quick orgasm when engaged in sexual activity so you guys may want to remember this when you're whacking off. For an excellent book on beating premature ejaculation try Male Sexual Endurance by R. W. Birch and Burch.

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