Should I Indulge My Bondage Fantasies If I Have a Sexual Abuse History?!

Dear Couch,

My fianc? and I have been together for 3 years and have a great ' normal' sex life. My concern is about my bondage fantasies. I have read these can originate from sexual abuse, therefore it is not recommended to indulge in them. I was sexually abused. I've been through therapy, confronted the abuser, but am embarrassed to ask this. I have indulged my fantasy in the past with other partners, I love to be tied up-it's awesome, however it's not essential for orgasm.What are your thoughts? Bondage or no bondage?

Fit 2 B Tied

Dear Bondage Girl,

The only reason BD/SM play would be a bad idea for someone is if they had a history of past sexual abuse... they hadn't dealt with. You have obviously dealt with your abuse situation in a healthy and appropriate manner. Those that suggest a desire for bondage is an unhealthy manifestation of sexual abuse are ninnies. There are plenty of people that enjoy this type of sexual role playing that have no history of sexual abuse and as you mention this is not essential for you to orgasm. You've indulged your fantasy with past partners with no problems so we say go for it.

Now would be a good time for all of us to review appropriate and safe bondage play rules. The most important aspect of Domination/Submission is the safeword. What is this safeword you ask? It's whatever you decide it to be. The purpose of a safeword is a signal to communicate to the partner that what's going on is not desired or is becoming unpleasurable. Not that you're bored with the current activity, or your partner isn't doing it well, it's not a critique. You only utter it to let your partner know things are getting freaky or scary without stopping the fantasy. Remember to pick a word that will stand out as opposed to one that might be misconstrued as part of the role playing. For example, ' harder' would be a bad safe word where as ' popcorn' would be a great one.

This type of sexual role playing should be done only with someone you trust for obvious reasons. It is a very intense sexual experience as it places one person in the role of being totally responsible for their partners pleasure and that partner is totally at the whim of their lover. It's an experience of trust like that silly 'fall backwards and I'll catch you' exercise but with sex! Some men have even claimed to get more in touch with controlling their ejaculation during these sessions.You also get to wear really sexy clothes. The book that has been referred to as 'the bible' for BD/SM practitioners is Gloria Brame's Different Loving The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission. For an excellent introductory text to 'the scene' try Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism. So what are our thoughts? Go ahead! Blow your fianc?s mind and indulge your fantasies!

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