What is the Three Eyed Turtle Sexual Position?!

Dear Couch,

I have been hearing a lot about a sexual position called " The Three Eyed Turtle" . I have asked a lot of people, and surfed the net, but cannot find a description. I am 33 years old, and recently divorced. I really want to know what it is, after all, I am not getting any younger and do not want to enter the single world without at least one clue.


Dear Clueless,

Here's a clue. Don't believe everything you hear. The Three Eyed Turtle is a supposed sexual position often used as a teaser on classic FM rock radio stations to keep listeners tuned in as they keep promising to explain it to you. But they never do. They usually claim that to describe the position over the radio would violate the FCC regulations which is of course bullshit since you can use words like " vagina" , " breasts" , and " penis" to your little heart's content on the radio. One station even went so far as to post a page on their web site to 'describe' the Three Eyed Turtle position but jumbled the words as not to 'offend' anyone. Now you know and you can go around teasing your coworkers with the fictitious sexual position. Keep an eye or ear or whatever to this one readers. It won't die and has the potential to reach urban legend status, ending up in the next The Baby Train and Other Lusty Urban Legends. Just don't tease your friends too long with this and stop listening to old music.

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