Recently, my wife and I experimented with a swinger lifestyle.

Dear Couch,

Recently, my wife and I experimented with a swinger lifestyle. Since she'd never had another man other than me, and I was turned on by the thought of seeing her with another man, we agreed to focus at first on other men for male-female-male threesomes. She joined an online swinger site, spent a great deal of time chatting with different guys, then met a couple of them for lunch. After we got to know them, we invited one of them into our bedroom. The sex was great! I've never seen my wife so turned on before. For several months she was a sexual animal - even when we were alone.

After about five or six m-f-m's, I told her it was time to start focusing on my fantasy: an f-m-f. Several weeks went by and nothing. Finally, I logged on to the swinger site and found to my dismay that she was not pursuing an f-m-f at all. She had continued to focus on only males. Included was an email to a guy in which she expressed how much she cared for him. Needless to say, this precipitated a terrible argument. She claimed she couldn't ' just have sex with a man' , she had to care for him as well. And as for locating females, she complained that all the females on the swinger site were bisexual, something she refuses to do. My complaint to her was that she ignored my wish and continued spending hours on end chatting with men, not focused on what I wanted. Since then we agreed to stay out of the lifestyle and try to keep our marriage together.

Now for the punch line. Two things continue to bother and nag me. One, I am hurt that my wife expressed feelings of such a nature for another man. Two, I am feeling cheated for allowing her the liberties that I did and not getting my fantasy in return.This continues to create tension in our relationship and our sexual activity has all but ceased. What can or should I do????


Dear Jaked,

The almighty threesome!!! Every couple thinks about it if not talks about it at some point to spice up their sex life. If they choose to do so they always think they can handle any jealous feelings that come up. Yea right! It takes a very particular relationship to be able to bring a third person into the sexual mix. For anyone thinking about it, first check out the NASCA swinging FAQ to understand what you're getting into. Obviously your wife was not ready for this and given that you were her first sexual partner, it was a bad idea to expect her to be able to indulge another man sexually and not develop some kind of emotions. The main thing you need to deal with is your feelings of betrayal due to your wife's caring for another man.

You're also feeling cheated as your wife hasn't allowed you to indulge in having another woman involved in your sexual relationship. Although it may seem petty initially to say ' She got hers I want mine' the real significance of this is she has not had to deal with the feelings of having another women in your sex life. We agree this is a valid point and if you did pursue the 'f-m-f' she may have a better understanding of your feelings. Problem is, you're going to have a hell of a time finding an exclusively straight women to do this with. Most women that indulge in the swinger's lifestyle are bisexual and obviously so. A women that wants multiple men surely has no problem.

You have to make a decision to either get past this bad decision in your relationship or peruse the 'f-m-f'. Before you do so we suggest you read up on this topic with Recreational Sex: An Insider's Guide to the Swinging Lifestyle and/or Threesome: How to Fulfill Your Favorite Fantasy. Although it sounds very sexy and free spirited, the swinging lifestyle takes a great deal of emotional discipline and unless you and you're partner are prepared for this you will only find displeasure.

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