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My Boyfriend Masturbates! Should I Feel Betrayed?!??
3/1/2002

Dear Couch,

I am having a problem accepting my boyfriend's porn habit and want to know if I am being unreasonable and childish. When we 1st started going out over a year ago, he was into daily hardcore porn and masturbation. That caused problems because he would rather masturbate to his porn than be with me. Now he has gotten rid of all of his magazines at my request and shares most of his masturbation 'sessions' with me and I do not put any pressure on him at that time to please me, it is just about taking care of him, which is fine. I'm just glad he doesn't exclude me anymore.

Well now he looks at upskirt pictures all the time. And naked celebrities. And when I ask him, he is 'usually' honest with me, but hides it unless I ask him. And even then he is not always honest. I know this because I go through his computer, which I know is COMPLETELY wrong, but I want to know if he's lying to me or not. It is very hard for me to trust him.

I want him to quit looking at the pictures all together. Just last night he said he would if it meant that much to me but today he's already been looking (and no, he doesn't know I know that.)

I feel like if he loves me and is in a committed loving relationship, he shouldn't feel the need for that. But he says what he looks at and does on his own time is none of my business.

Our relationship is about to be ended because of this. I do love him, but I don't understand this need to constantly look at pictures of naked women. He has also recently gotten into viewing webcams online. It seems like it is some sort of sick perversion of his. He says he has been nothing but honest with me and I have used it against him. I like being nasty and perverted, but with him, not alone or as a peeping tom.

PLEASE HELP!!! Is this normal and I should just accept it as ' something guys do' ? Or am I right in feeling as if I'm somehow being betrayed and cheated on?

Thank you,
Kasey


Dear Kasey,

One thing men and women need to understand about each other is, THEY'RE DIFFERENT! Particularly in regards to their individual sexuality. Men are basically hardwired to attempt to impregnate as many women as possible and women are hardwired to procreate with the alpha male and keep him around to protect the offspring. Are these simple, rudimentary, animal like summations of the hugely complicated thing which is human sexuality. Without a doubt, YES. However, at a basic level these are the foundations of our differences and we can't simply brush then aside. Which leads us to your letter.

You're hurt and threatened by your boyfriend's desire to look at pics of naked women and possibly (likely) wank off to them. We're not going to tell you your feelings are wrong. However, the fact is men wank-off. From the minute they first learn to yank it to the day they die, men will masturbate. Why do you think there is such a billion dollar porn industry in the first place. The real question is, should you feel threatened by it. Yes and no.

There are men who become obsessed with online porn to the point that their lovers go unloved. In our opinion, YOU seem to be the one obsessed with your partner's masturbation. You don't mention whether or not you pleasure yourself (which you should) but to force yourself into your boyfriend's private and personal self pleasuring time is WRONG. Just plain WRONG. Each and every primate (and yes, dolphins too, horny bastards!) on this planet has the right to self-indulge. It's personal, it's fun, it doesn't hurt anyone, and it's none of your business.

Does that leave you lonely and unloved? No. Make it clear to your boy-toy that you are no longer obsessed with his personal time, BUT, that his private pleasures should in no way infringe upon your sexual gratification or even your snuggle time. It would also be a good idea for him to be more private about the act and for you to be a LOT LESS snoopy!

The Couch


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AskTheCouch.com
The Sex Advice Column You've Always Wanted But Were Afraid You'd Ask!
http://AskTheCouch.com
Printer Friendly Copy
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