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Is There Any Way to Tell if a Guy JUST Wants to Use You??
3/8/1999

Dear Couch,

First off I want to say thanks. Earlier on in the year (Your back to school column) you answered my question about whether or not I should tell my female friend that I had feelings  toward her. You said that I should utilize the help on campus  and not tell her.  Boy am I glad I took your advice! Turns out my " friend" was a total bitch and non-deserving of my feelings. So I wanted to say thanks.

Which brings me to now. I would use the " therapy" office on my college campus, but to be honest the people are complete  morons and I feel somewhat more comfortable asking in this forum. Here is the problem: On New Years Eve 98 I went to Times Square (I live in NYC) and I met this guy Jordan. We hit it off pretty well and I gave him my phone number. The next night we hung out and ended up  having sex (it was protected). I assumed that it would be just a one night " thing" and while I wasn't ok with that I figured that there was nothing that could really be done and left it at that. Next thing I know, Jordan is calling me,  asking to pick me up from college and just being all-around  great. My friends think it is just a ruse to get me into bed again, and while I believe them somewhat, there is this small glimmer of hope that he is sincere. My question is this: Is there any way to tell if a guy JUST wants to use you? I am confused  because he has already gotten me into bed and I was under the impression that guys who just wanted sex from you, once  they had, stopped calling. I really like Jordan (even though I probably shouldn't) and I am confused as to what to do. I would really appreciate it if you guys would help me out of this jam.

Sincerely,
Starla


Dear Starla,

The " jam" you are in is the same faced by everyone when they begin to have feelings for someone. You don't want to get hurt. You don't want to open up and care about another and have your feelings smeared like a roasted clove of garlic at an Italian restaurant. Well welcome to the world of relationships and love. There's no fear of loss if there's no possibility of it. In other words, the risks come with the job. There's no way to ever guarantee that someone is being genuine with you or, equally important, with themselves. It's a chance that has to be taken to find love in our world. So we all play our feelings and roll the dice, prepared for a loss.

As to your Jordan, maybe he does just want to bang you a few more times, or maybe he's having the same feelings you are, or maybe he thinks you're fun and feels you guys have great sex. You were whooping it up in Times Square New Year's Eve, met a guy, went out with him the next night and decided to enjoy the moment to your fullest. Good for you. You were willing to be happy with that micro relationship to start your new year but Jordy-boy keeps coming around and you're thinking " Hold on there hoppy! Fun was fun but this E-ticket ride is more than just sex for me now!" Well you have to tell him. Let him know the one nighter was great and everything but you're beginning to have feelings for him and you're interested in learning more about each other without the focus being just on sex.

It's really important here NOT to sound like you're cutting off sex until the two of you are engaged. Just be honest about what you're wanting to explore with him relationship-wise and ask him to ask himself if he is interested in the same thing. Guys are definitely more interested in sex initially in a relationship than women generally are. Hopefully if that's all he wants he'll be honest about it. There is something to be said for having an available partner for casual sex ... as long as you can be honest with you.

The Couch


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AskTheCouch.com
The Sex Advice Column You've Always Wanted But Were Afraid You'd Ask!
http://AskTheCouch.com
Printer Friendly Copy
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